Current Issue
Spring 2008
Volume 3, Issue 1
Table of Contents
Editor’s Corner
The Bad Advice Corner: Get Rich Quick
Poetry Spotlight: Manda Jade
Phatooine’s Horoscopes
Battle For Phat
Comic Book Review: The Killing Joke
What We Learned This Quarter
Game Review: Smash Bros. Brawl
The Phat Corner
The Big Phat Art Contest
Funniest Quotes of the Quarter
Teaser Announcement
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Editors’ Corner
Hello Readers! The Phat Times is back; back with a new publishing schedule. From now on, our readers can look forward to four big quarterly issues per year. It is my responsibility to announce that HJ-47 has stepped down from his place as Editor in Chief of the Phat Times and in his wake, Viper and myself are teaming up to attempt to fill his shoes. Thank you HJ, for all of your past and future work on the Phat Times!
As for the content of this issue, I think everyone will find something to their liking. Good and bad advice, interesting reviews and lots of laughs, enjoy!
Thank you for your support and appreciation of all the hard work that our Phatties put in to the following read.
Sincerely, Manda Jade
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The Bad Advice Corner: Get Rich Quick
By Viper
You are reading this because you are completely broke and are looking for ways to bring in some lettuce, some cabbage, some moolah, some ULTRA GET RICH QUICK pyramid scheme to take you from the poor, deluded bastard you are to the next Bill Gates.
Step back, dust yourself off, and breath a little, will ya?
We get it…you want some tips or advice for your personal finances and I am here, in true guru fashion, to give you said advice. The advice I have learned is gleaned from the devastation of my own personal finances, a myriad of books about finance and investing, and just good common sense gleaned from years of experience.
When you find yourself strapped for cash, you have two options available to you: make more money or cut spending. Let me tell you about both.
How to Make More Money
I would like to relieve myself of any responsibility here, so this is the point where I post a huge disclaimer saying I am not liable for your dumb decisions. Instead of posting the actual disclaimer just imagine that I posted this huge wall of text relieving myself from the repercussions of the advice I am about to give.
How do you make more money? Here’s my suggestions:
1. Steal money from children. Every penny counts and kids are dumb. Plus, if you think about it, you are like two or even three times bigger than they are (if you are especially large then maybe even four or five times larger than they) so don’t be afraid to get physical. It also helps if you chant things like “get your mitts off my money chump”.
2. Rob a bank. What ever happened to the days of good old bank robbers? Whatever happened to walking in with a ski mask and demanding that everybody in the bank fear your automatic weapon (which is really just a Butterfinger candy bar hidden in the sleeve of your shirt)? This is what is commonly referred to as a “get rich quick” scheme–and it works.
3. Go to Vegas! Why haven’t you left yet? You can take your child’s college savings and double it overnight! You can pull your retirement funds and triple them over the course of a weekend. Who wouldn’t want to double and triple their money?
4. Sell a product in your neighborhood. The key to this is to find something like Avon or All Ocassion Cards and make them pay upfront. Then just pitch the magazine in the trash and keep their money.
5. Sell your body for sex. Do you realize how much money is in porn? In prostitution? It’s like Fort Knox! It’s absolutely worth it to whore yourself for cash. We all do it everyday anyway. Don’t believe me? How many of you actually LIKE your job? My point exactly.
How to Save Money
I’ve given you tips on how to make money (and if you try my plans you will be rich very soon), but perhaps you are a pessimist and don’t believe that you can make money in the ways I suggested.
In your case, I offer ways to slash costs and save money:
1. Cut off a major body part. Hear me out on this. Guesstimate your daily food intake right now. Do you have a general idea of how much you are eating? Good. Now imagine how much less you’d have to eat if you cut off a leg. You wouldn’t need as much food because there is less of you to “sustain”. For more extreme results cut off TWO body parts. For those of you who just don’t care anymore, why not just become an armless, legless shell of your former self and cut your monthly food expense in half?
2. If you have children put one of them up for adoption. It’s been estimated that the cost of raising a child is somewhere in the MILLIONS. Who wants to be a millionaire? Get rid of that kid.
3. Damage the cans of goods in the market. A lot of places give you discounts on goods with damaged containers. Ever watch the movie “Big Daddy”? If you haven’t, then I suggest you watch this movie to perfect your technique (and to see that this is so easy that even a KID can do it).
4. Steal gas. All you need is a good garden hose and a strong stomach. It also helps to be able to see well in the dark. Get a gas can and hit your local neighborhood after dark. Gas is over $3.00 per gallon right now. Imagine your monthly savings if you didn’t have to buy gas.
5. Save money on advertising by sending your ad as a letter to the editor. Who wants to pay the ridiculous advertising fees of their local newspaper? Not when a letter to the editor is still free. Make use of this underused literary art form and SAVE SAVE SAVE!
There you have it. My foolproof plan for getting rich quick. There are two types of people in this world: survivors and just plain bitches. Which one are you? Darwin suggested that only the strong survive. I, on the other hand, am suggesting that I am Marty McFly.
Take that however you will. Good luck my friends.
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Poetry Spotlight
By Calandria
In the Spotlight… The Panda!
The Poetry Spotlight is a new feature of our new and improved Phat Times. Each issue will see one of our talented poets interviewed about one of their works and their creative vein in general. For this issue, Manda Jade has kindly agreed to be my guinea pig. Be kind on her. 
Cala: Manda, thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions. Please, make yourself comfortable, have a drink and relax! I don’t bite… honestly.
Heehee
First of all, why did you begin to write poetry? What was the occasion and who encouraged you to try your hand at it?
Honestly, I began to write poetry because it was asked of me in english class. I enjoyed it, but it didn’t become a passion of mine until 9th Grade, when Mrs. Lecain did a whole term on poetry of all different types and encouraged me to illustrate my work.
Do you still remember your first poem? Or the occasion on which you wrote it?
The first poem I remember being proud of was this one, that I wrote when I was 14:
Night Skies
Like a warm, black blanket
Protecting precious diamonds
Keeping them safe from human touch
Fireworks that endlessly entertain the earth
As far as literary history goes, nearly every poet from Chaucer up to the present has in some way attempted to define where the creative gift comes from. Wordsworth, for example, defines it as a wind that blows through his mind and dictates his pen. What about you? Where do you think your creativity comes from?
Well, as with any of my art, my creativity and my concepts usually come from deep thinking, analyzing, daydreaming.. and nightdreaming sometimes too. I guess I would consider creativity:
What happens when my mind conducts my hands to sing an aria.
Do you believe that it is something which can be learned or something which is innate to a writer?
I think people can learn to improve their writing skills, but I also think it has to be innate to be great!
Could you ever imagine NOT writing?
I take long breaks between my stints at writing, but I can’t imagine ever NOT expressing myself creatively through any medium at all!
I’d like to move on to one of your poems now. The Tower of Torridity:
Tower of Torridity
The tower of torridity looms
Dare not knock at that gate
Its welcoming warmth baits..
But boiling power resides..
Fortnights, stepping off my path to spy
My curiosity piqued, thoughts bewitched
Sound the knocker..
A moment of regret..
Door vaults open, unleashing a tsunami of heat
The flames within eye me, the quiet sacrifice
Fiery grin of approval..
The power grapples my throat..
Hauled in over its threshold
Door slams, muffling my wails
The word Torridity itself means extreme heat, but it also means passionate. Is this a reflection of what passion can do?
In a way yes, but it’s also about my sexual curiosity…
This passion is a power. A forbidden power mayhap? Why do you believe that this might be so?
Some of the most intriguing things are frequently considered ‘taboo’.
At the end, it sounds very much like a prison, slamming shut upon a helpless victim. Is there an escape from this prison? Or does the imprisoned even wish it? After all, he only feels one moment of regret and is labeled as a quiet sacrifice.
It slams shut that way because once you try something you can’t un-try it. If I give in to all my desires and all my curiosities I might just be sacrificing my wholesomeness.
One last question: when can we expect another poem from you to stir our imagination?
Whenever I next dream something inspiring..[face_dreamer]
Thank you very much for your time! And I wish you happy winds of inspiration!
]Anytime!! Thanks for thinkin of me Cala!
Anytime Panda dearest! Look for a new interview with one of our talented poets in the next Phat Times Issue!
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[b]By Manda Jade[/b]
You have always felt the need to create, dear Aries. The simplest task, such as having a bowel movement, can fulfill this need. Over the last thirty days you have been saving up for the dump of your life. Don’t be afraid to show it off to your friends. People will be thrilled by your work, and you deserve to feel proud of the poop sculpture you have achieved.
People around you might think that you have never matured, dear Taurus, and that you still have the mind of a child. It might not seem obvious at first, but your pubic hairs are also a symbol of great wisdom. They are as gray as Merlin’s beard. As with those who have truly committed to long-term romances, you will find out that you will never lose your light-heartedness, though you may lose your ability to bathe yourself.
If you analyze your life you will see that it has completely changed over the past twelve months, dear Gemini. You have matured as an sexual glutton, and your actions have only been beneficial to your overly high sperm count. Don’t try to make any changes. You can’t stop now! You need to feed your eight babies and your eight babies’ mommas all the time. There is no time to rest!
You may be a little bit surprised to find out that the people you think so lowly of are in fact mere reflections of your own personality. The planetary alignment is trying to teach you to “Grow the f*ck up!”. You lack confidence, dear Cancer. After all, there are too few Peter Pans in this world, right? Wrong! Surprises are just around the corner! And no, it’s not your shadow..
A great day is ahead of you, dear Leo! You will be blessed with the ability to see through people’s clothes! Clients will come looking for you today. You will listen and understand and express your empathy while you peek at their ‘Don’t touch me there’ places. You will be wise enough to find solutions to the issues they present to you. After a day like this, you may ask yourself if you should work as a children’s therapist anymore..
Do you feel that your life hasn’t changed a bit over the past few weeks? You feel that you need to change certain things, but end up doing nothing but masturbating. Today, dear Virgo, there will be a lot of substances that could excite you to be a little more adventurous. Even if you don’t like taking risks try the mayonnaise. If you do it, you will be greatly satisfied.
There is a fire burning deep inside your loins, dear Libra. It gives you a lot of power and energy. People around you are receptive to this energy. Today a lot of your friends will thrive on your life juice and will be in the best of moods because of it! Don’t try to hide your bulge! If you do, it may disappear, or could even overthrow you…
Mystery and the Mafia will be your allies today, dear Scorpio! Something different is floating in the water and inciting you to poke it with a stick. You will take decisions and new directions from your Godfather and, for the good of the people around you, you better do a good ‘job’. Your grave diggin’ skills will have a beneficial impact on your ‘family’.
You are a very prissy and self-centered person, dear Sagittarius. You plan everything around you. But with today’s energy, you will be inclined to nose around the alleys without keeping your high maintenance schedule. After all, not every day needs to be disease free day! Follow the hobos around you! They will teach you to see the world differently–through the hole in a cardboard box. They can show you how they save money by utilizing home dentistry skills too.
A lot of people around you might think that you are a very strong tempered individual, dear Capricorn. For instance you stand buck naked in the middle of the street and chase anyone, growling, who honks at you. But you can also be a very constructive person when you try to put on clothes and step into the role of Willy Wonka. Today you will have all the time in the world to meditate about any earthly way of knowing.. which direction you might be goin…
Dear Aquarius, you are worried that some of the persons close to your heart might be trying to make you donate it to them. You have been watching and paying attention to other organ stealers and the subtle changes in your friends’ behaviour. Today you will feel like they are sketching out the incisions on your body as they look at you. You will be able to stall them if you help them find a more suitable candidate to be butchered.
You have always been somewhat of a loner, dear Pisces. You tend to act on your own and you don’t trust outside help. Over the last few weeks, however, you have managed to find a pimp daddy who has accepted you the way you are, genital warts and all. It is as if you have found a refuge where you can escape the burning itch. But, you will find that if you open your legs to others, you will find additional types of infections.
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Battle For Phat continued…
By soxtalon
INCOMING TRANSMISSION:
It was a few hours after the breakout. Bezo was able to sneak Sox into Teal Heaven for awhile. Since Sox had been missing and presumed dead, Willa had been promoted to Grand Poohbah in his absence, but it seemed that the Server had kept in control of everyone.
Bezo offered Sox safe haven for now, but he would do little more, because well, he’s the Penguin Overlord. He only fights when HE’S taking over, not some other peons. Bossk would agree.
Sox downed a few beers first off (did you expect anything less?).
He looked from afar as Phatooine was a damaged wasteland, with the Server having put everyone under mind control. Bezo also informed sox of the whereabouts of Lord Tuvitor. It seemed the Server had created a Lady Tuvitor to beguile the Lord. That was one mystery solved. Miss U, however, was still missing…as was The Count come to think of it. Was that a coincidence?
Sox knew what he had to do. He had to do some hit and runs and wake some people up out of their hypnotized state. Sex & Beer usually did the trick.
He figured that the Server was a cheap one, so it kept the most lock on the admins — Willa, Rogue, and Salty would be unwakable.
But he needed someone with access to them at least. He quickly wrote up a shortlist. Manda Jade, Viper, Calandria, HJ-47, and, that bastion of knowledge, Jedi_Daniel.
If he couldn’t get the head staff to wake up, he’d need to bring together a crew to fight them. They were long entrenched and very powerful so he’d need overwhelming numbers.
And a name…something to pull everyone together. They might not be staff…they were a SecondStaff.
Sox knew they needed a new base of operation. Bezo wouldn’t like all those mere mortals cluttering up his server. Sox had a plan though, he always did.
Meanwhile he took one last glance and noticed more and more people not fighting back. The mind control device was strong. That was for certain.
Willa was too busy counting the newts that were former users.
Captain Obvious was too busy playing with his stick.
Rogue was teaching…everyone…usually about her boobs.
Manda Jade was pulling a bitch around on a chain…
Agent 00Kyp was drinking his martini stirred not shaken…he always did things backwards.
It went on and on.
But Sox wasn’t going to let the Server win without a fight. Sox cocked his beergun and moved on to the first names on the list…
The Lord and Lady Tuvitor.
TBC.
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Comic Book Review:The Killing Joke by Alan Moore
By Jedi Daniel
Alan Moore (one of the most influential graphic artists in the comic book industry with titles like ‘The Watchmen’, ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ and ‘V For Vendetta’ under his belt) was given the opportunity to work on Batman after his previous successors with DC. This came in the form of ‘The Killing Joke’–a one shot from 1988.
A decent addition to Batman lore, it tells the story of a psychological battle between The Joker and Batman. In this battle, one of the characters is forever changed as well as shedding light on the back story of The Joker–which I thought was great to see.
Well written throughout but the artwork was definitely different to what I’m used to in many comics today. The look of the characters are well done, but I didn’t like the overall coloring.
This graphic novel was a huge inspiration to Tim Burton with the original Batman movie, starring Michael Keaton, but this remains faithful to the Batman universe and, at the same time, greatly affecting future stories that came out. It’s also been an inspiration to Christopher Nolan for the next Batman movie, ‘The Dark Knight’.
This is probably one of the best Joker stories I’ve read, but I still have two others that are highly regarded to read yet so we’ll see how it fairs then. I think the best part of this story was it showed that, despite Batman and The Joker being opposing forces, they aren’t too different because, as The Joker said, “All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy” and a man dressed as a Bat certainly isn’t normal.
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What We Learned This Quarter
Manda Jade is easily distracted..
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC: Somebody must have dangled a maple leaf in front of her…
Daver has a evil and twisted sense of humour!
DAVER: I read that in the news today. Insane, horrific, utterly disgusting…I can’t stop laughing :p
Nabsie needs a little reassurance from time to time
NABSIE: [img]me_scantilyclad_attnwhore.jpg[/img]
i really need some validation, guys. kthx
The Count is on love child #14 now!
MISS UNIVERSE: Wow, everyone looks so fine! Obvi, don’t draft me! [face_silly]
I love this guy^
The Count: You told me you were on the pill!
Teg was definitely a car mechanic in a past life...
Tegarend: I know nothing of cars, all the way to not exactly knowing what “breed” of car I have. Errr … or what the technical term is. Type? Subtype? I know it is Opel, but for the rest I know it has 4 wheels and (I presume,) an engine, although it could be leprechauns.
Lady T knows what a sock is…
LADY TUVITOR: “Hey, What’s a sock?”
“A sock? A sock?! A sock is something you put on your feet to protect you from shoes. You do know what shoes are, right?”Kyp is still looking for a good “polish”
JEDI KYP DURRON: Kyp; walnut body , natural “soft finnish”
Viper should dress for warmth when heading to the afterlife
Viper: Ha ha…that God is a silly bitch.
Obvi is related to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: Whispers, your sandbox is great… to poop in.
Jade is devolping a new, uh, “technique.”
Jade: I have small hands as well. So perhaps I’ll try using my pinky, instead of my ring finger. And I’ll check out the web for some finger exercises.
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Video Game Review - Super Smash Bros. Brawl
by HJ-47
Introduction
Super Smash Bros. debuted nearly ten years ago and it was an instant favorite among gamers. And, not surprisingly so. Nintendo has long created lovable and memorable characters. Who wouldn’t want to see them all in one package? Better still, an easily accessible beat-em-up offered exciting action that anyone could pick up and play. When the Gamecube hit the shelves, fans were eager for the next installment. We were given Melee and it was amazing. With the Wii well over a year old, waiting for the third game has been excruciating. Well, we’ve had our hands on it for a month now. But, if you haven’t made the purchase yet, here’s what you can expect.
Gameplay
The core structure of the game has always been it’s greatest appeal. So, it’s no surprise that not much has changed. You’re still going to find your favorite Nintendo icons including Mario, Link and Samus. You’re still going to mash buttons in an effort to pummel the other character. And, you’re still going to trash talk your buddy as you send his burly Kong into the abyss with little, pink Kirby. What’s the difference then? The biggest upgrade is online play. A much needed and welcomed addition to the Wii family of games.
Graphics
You may be spoiled by your XBOX 360 or PS3, but don’t write off the little, white console just yet. This is easily the best a game has looked on the Wii. The players, backgrounds and moves are rendered beautifully. But, where the game’s capabilities really shine is during the cutscenes of the Subspace Emissary. Truly fantastic. I would put them up against any other game out there.
Control
This is where the frustration begins (and ends). The response can be a bit quirky. Luckily, you’ve got options. The remote turned sideways, the remote with nunchuk, the classic controller and the Gamecube controller are all available for use. And, you can map the buttons however you please and link your choices to your profile. So, although the control isn’t perfect, you can find the combination that works best for you and stick with it.
Sound
Music and effects can make or break a game. Set tone, ambiance and atmosphere. Nintendo relies on their extensive catalog of themes to do just that but also to evoke a sense of nostalgia that will bring a smile to your face as well as allow you to forgive the simplicity of the design.
Replay Value
With various modes of play, solo or co-op and hundreds, if not thousands, of unlockables and collectibles, you won’t wear the tread off of these tires any time soon. Surely, you’ll find yourself coming back again and again.
Overview
This is a celebration of all things Nintendo. Yes, throwing a party for yourself is usually in poor taste. This franchise certainly could’ve been a disaster from the start. But, it wasn’t. It’s beautiful and more fun than I care to admit. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Nintendo. And, I know I’m not the only one.
Score - 9 out of 10
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State of teh Onion Address by the Phresidente of Phattootieville!
It’s only been a few weeks since I took over, er, was elected, er, was offered the exalted position of Head Admin of teh great Phatooine and I’m still trying to figure out this crazy control panel. They should have made it like Padme’s ship where you could just push any button and it adjusted to whatever you need. Oh well, if the server hiccups, it’s likely me. [face_silly]
We are sorry to announce that three of our staff are now moderator emeritusesesesessses. Real life came a-calling and priorities took precedence. We wish them luck and good fortune and hope to see them continue to visit us here at Phat.
We have just promoted two well-deserving Phatties to our staff lineup. They are Jedi Daniel and jade and will be leading discussions in their appointed forums. We wish them good luck! We’ve also changed up the moderation lineup so look to the top of the forum for the changes.
One of our forums that is very near and dear to my heart is quite ill at the moment from lack of use and that is the Roleplaying Forum. I must say I’ve tried as have others but with lack of continuous flow of posting the stories soon become stagnant and participants lose interest.I was wondering if anybody would be interested in joining a Star Wars roleplaying game? Considering the theme of this site, it may be of more interest and I’m willing to start one up if I can get enough players.
If that happens we could consider having yearly awards for the best roleplayers in different categories with titles in your proflie to acknowledge your talent. Anyone interested can comment in this thread:
http://phatooine.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=61&t=14105
Don’t forget to visit our Fan fiction and Authors Alley forums. We have some great authors over there who present their works for our pleasure and it’s gratifiying for them to get comments and critiques.
Manda Jade has a super contest in the works. Check it out and show everyone your artistic side. Or draw a stickperson so we can secretly have a chuckle at your expense. [face_silly] You can find The BIg Phat Art Contest here:
http://phatooine.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=104&t=14376
Stay cool Phatties and until next time…….
Before I die I would like to see a frak fly.
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The Big Phat Art Contest
By Manda Jade
Attention all Phatties! This contest is now being held in the Creative Arts Studio and is open to everyone!
Submissions may be any piece of visual art from a drawing, painting or sculpture to a photograph or a video of a dramatic performance, etc.
All submissions are to be submitted by the 15th of every month via PM to Viper or myself, they will then be put into a poll for all users to vote on for two weeks. The piece of art that receives the most votes wins a signature mention (in the words of their choice, as long as they follow the ToS) in the signatures of Viper and myself. Also, the winning artist will have their artwork spotlighted in the next issue of the Phat Times!
Then every three months the three winning pieces will go in the Phat Times to be voted on for a quarterly grand prize winner!
The grand prize winner will receive a custom icon (produced by themselves or by myself if they so choose) that will be uploaded as soon as it is express approved by the IA.
Be inspired
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Funniest Quotes of the Quarter!
MANDA JADE: ]Actually, I consider myself a ‘happy accident’ like… penicillin!
DAVER: Are an unlucky few allergic to you? [face_silly]VIPER: Willa, watching you complain about the JC is sort of like watching a dog return to it’s own vomit.
DRUNKEN IRISH PICNIC: When you’ve got millions & millions, 4 grand is like buying a soda at 7/11.
SOXTALON: So what is Ashley Dupres? 7up? A nice Fresca? Or does she have bite like Barqs?
WHISPERS: More like a Spitzer swallow. [face_silly]TARKINS_FOUL_SOCK: Plus, I’m like herpes, I may get gone for a bit, but I’m always going to come back.
ROGUE0208: We’re selling Phat to TFN. There, I ruined the surprise.
FRED: Oh, and Obvy? You are a clique of one. [face_silly]
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC: It’s my preferred spice. Nothin’ like dead skin on your steak to make it manalicious.
DEVIOUS ANGEL: Oh and here is Kim listening to Viper in one of his “talks” :))
ROGUE0208: The me doll should be sleeping.CAESARIO: i say let him watch them in whichever order he wishes, but if he starts with the prequel trilogy and is happy with the way things are working by the end of iii (in other words, if you don’t have to convince him that the story gets a whole lot less crappy in iv) you should disown him (if you can do that to a nephew).
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC: I didn’t get any last night. But I did beat off like baboon in front of a school group!
BLAH: I silently farted near somone in a confined space, and then walked away…
MANDA JADE: You just have to start waking up on the right side of the bed and it’ll happen for you! You know, the side with the hooker on it!
DEVIOUS ANGEL: I am home at last but have a ton of carp to do now like unpacking
WHISPER: Did you go fishing?
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TEASER ANNOUNCEMENT!
Sick of Seeing R2 With A Construction Hat?
The front page has been under construction for quite awhile but that’s all about to change. Phatooine’s home page will be getting a face lift in the next few weeks! We will be joining with a sister site and will be providing Phatooine.net with content!
Be on the look out for:
- News about your favorite movies, tv shows, books, and music.
- Reviews on movies, tv shows, books, and music of the past, present, and future.
- SubSections for more indepth looks at different sagas, etc.
- A new home for this here Phat Times
- A static page for the artistic endeavors of our Phatooine artists!
And the best thing is you can help! If you’d like to gather news, or develop a SubSection on your favorite show/film series, etc. or even just want to write reviews, you can apply by PMing soxtalon! For SubSections, sox will help you develop a theme and also help with news/content!
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