Dec
4
Lengthy Trial Has Members up in Arms
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Ladies and gentlemen, a crime has been commited on Phatooine. Our own dear Rogue has been violated in ways that none of can (but sometimes would like to) imagine. Kidnapped! Held at gun point! Forced at the whims of a deranged stalker!
Captain Obvious, the defense attorney, would like to believe we have found said stalker. He has mounted a case to relieve the defendant, celestia, from all the charges that have been placed upon her. Some pretty daunting evidence (of which neither attorney has mentioned thus far) makes it seem like a clear cut and dry case. And members are outraged that one of their own could’ve commited such a heinous crime.
Jack McCoy, when pressed for comment, has said repeatedly that he believes the defendant is guilty. And now, in a bizarre twist of events, he’s accused of being a woman! Some member believe that what once was an upright and just justice system, has now been bogged down with bureaucracy and corruption.
If it is, in fact, true that Jack McCoy is a woman, then the defense will have the right to have the witness and the attorney stricken and removed from the courtroom. But with such a daunting amount of forensic evidence, who will answer that call should that day come? Will someone rise to the occasion? Will either side seek out the council of other lawyers?
One witness has said that Johnny Cochran is in the area, and has appeared mysteriously on the new members list. Is this the real deal? Could Cochran have faked his own death years ago, only to re-emerge into the Phatooine courtroom for the trial that has everybody talking and gossiping around the forums?
Such an act would be unprecedented, but not unheard of. In the realms of the e-world, people appear and disappear, sometimes without warning. For instance, where is Manda Jade? She was last seen taking pictures at the crime scene and has mysteriously vanished. Where is soxtalon, infamous husband to the victim? Reports have it that a skinny man bearing a similar description to the former head admin has been seen lurking the halls of Phat, but no reports are confirmed.
So, the rest of us watch…and wait with interest to see where this goes. How this will play out is anybody’s guess. When the Honorable Judge Darth Viper was pressed for comment, this was his reply:
“I don’t want to speculate on the rumors that are flying around at this time. But I DO have an intense desire to masturbate to my own shadow. I don’t know if the two are connect or not. We shall see.”
We shall indeed…we shall indeed.
Nov
19
The Torch
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There will come a time when all of Phatooine is reduced to pre-churned moderatey goodness.
After a several month hiatus, soxtalon announced that he was returning to staff, shocking all of us into frenzies, bringing with him a return to pimp standards among staff. We congratulate him on his return and command him to grab a broom.
As you all know, however, he is not the first to do this. In fact, he was preceeded in this erratic, somewhat hilarious behavior by Captain Obvious. And the man who started it all–Drunken Irish Picnic. It seems as if the old school Phatties were schooled in the ethics of drying out on a hiatus, lurking the background for months, and then returning in all their glory to the land of colordom (not so much anymore) and e-power.
What is it about this team, these fellows, who try to escape, only to be dragged back in kicking and screaming? I have a theory.
I believe that about 5 years ago, God created Phat. And Phat was without form and void and darness moved across the face of the threads. And God said: “Let there be Captain Obvious!” And there was. And it was good and right and holy. And Captain Obvious took his place at the throne of admin-dom, beating back shitty threads and bonking people like Darth Vortex on the head with a stick. But once Phat was healed of it’s wounds, he decided to try other things. Like ping pong, yoga, and transcendental mediation. But he could not be fufilled in such endeavors, so he returned and did things like…beating back shitty threads and bonking people like ME on the head with a stick. And it was good and right and holy. Amen.
So now, not only do we have two former admins from the original era of Phat easing in and out of admin-dom, but now we have someone from the midbie era as well. New blood. A fresh face. A strong pimp hand. And he has been trained well in the ways by Captain Obvious and Urgent Jedi Picnic. His era is strong and it’s time that he did things like….beat back shitty threads and bonk people like Jedi Kyp Durron over the head.
This fever is not unknown to the new generation of staff at Phat. Manda Jade pulled a similar stunt recently as well, shocking us all with her return. As did beck. It seems as if the beacon light is shining, calling out for help, and now people are stepping up to answer the call. The call of Obvious. The call of Picnic.
The torch has officially been passed to a new generation of Phatties. Who seem to be…following in the footsteps of the old generation of Phatties.
Now if we could just revive the *AoE* our transformation will be complete.
Nov
10
The Phat Chat
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All of the world was in a frenzy. People of our nation went batshit crazy, reaching out for change we deserve and the audacity of hope. The world looked on while the history books were written fresh and an almost 50 year old dream was realized.
Whoopity Doo.
Meanwhile, members of Phatooine came together under a genuine groove and engaged in the first of (hopefully) many phat chats in the Mantina. It all started when we realized that jade, our fearless phat chat leader, was missing. MISSING! Was she captured by foreign intelligence and forced to eat buttered rolls until she slumped over in a heap? Did they pull her toe nails out by the root and make her watch re-runs of Real World Road Rules?
Nope. She became a political busy bee, working tirelessly in the elections. And we commend her for it. Kinda. Although the buttered roll thing sounds like it would’ve been more fun.
First up, we all established that Maggie Seaver was a hottie and that the show Growing Pains is a show that you watch at 4 A.M. in sheer and utter boredom and frustration. As discussion continued, we discovered that soxtalon has become a leaf eater while the rest of us enjoy steaks and subs and pizza and wings. In an utter act of randomness, Jaide appeared out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly. It was great to have her back. Then, pics of our newest transgendered Frankenstein appeared in the thread, showing how soxtalon had morphed from a Snowball look-a-like into a mix between Antonia Banderas and Mark Ruffalo. Jade appeared in the knick of time for us all to discover that Rogue is offering her ass up for scientific exploration. All you gotta do is get below 200 lbs and you can tap that ass. Motivation. Motivation. And finally the thread concluded with Salty showing beck some love. It was a beautiful sight.
The most important thing we learned? Rogue’s ass > Obama.
For those of you wanting to join in, the chat’s are held every Tuesday, starting at approximately 7 P.M. and running rampant until the thread dies a violent death or until the wee hours of the morning–whichever comes first. Sometimes they will be hearty discussions. Sometimes they will be graveyards–depending on the schedules of our trusty members and how it all pans out. Everyone’s invited to jump in, throw out something random or to engage us in ridiculous discussions ranging from ass to elections.
Just open the thread and throw in a reply. We’ll do the rest.
Apr
17
Welcome to the Phat Times
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Welcome to the Phat Times! This will serve as the home to the E-Zine of Phatooine.net. It will be a quarterly issue of fun, frivolity, and mayhem! The Phat Times will also serve to update new items on Phatooine!
We have a few back issues of the Times in the Back Issues section and of course the Current Issue is up as well!